confessions

I'm still in some kind of limbo land where I'm trying to find a routine... It's slowly getting better though. Since I started my new job about 3 weeks ago, everything has been new and special and exciting. While it's been a nice change, I'm still glad the novelty of it all is finally subsiding... I need routine! It'll help me to concentrate on eating healthy and getting enough exercise in. During those frist weeks I've had no mental capacity to do that... and it shows. Blimey, does it ever show!

So it's time for a few confessions... I reached a new high on the scale! Aarrgh! It's not the highest weight I've ever been, but the highest since I lost so much weight when I was travelling... It's hard to admit, but within those 10 months I've now officially gained 14 kilos (31 pounds) back. And even though I'm a metric person and only convert my numbers into pounds for my non-metric friends, it totally, utterly irks me that I'm back in the 170's... Ugh! And it's not just about the number either... It's as if some invisible 'fat mark' has been overstepped, because I now feel it on every level: I'm fat again. It doesn't take much to get me out of breath. I'm sweating easily. The self-conscious tugging at shirts has returned. I'm back in my hideous fat pants. If I wear my normal jeans there's some serious muffin top issue going on. I feel fat and I feel ashamed.

But - and there's a big BUT - it won't stay this way for long... I already declared September as my month for a fresh start and now I want this to become reality more than ever!!! Oh, and I've got every reason to make this happen too... Apart from feeling way better, being healthier, happier and more confident I also totally want a 'GO GIRL' package from Toronto which the lovely Kerry offered to send should I lose 10 pounds by the end of September. What an incentive! It's going to be tough, but I totally want to give this my all! (Of course, I'm already thinking of things to include in my package for her, since I'm quite sure that she will reach this goal...) On top of that fun incentive there's also my scheduled yearly OB appointement at the end of this month which hopefully should get me going. Last time my doctor saw me was when I got back from travelling, i.e. 14 kilos/31 pounds ago... ugh... I'm already nervous. Apart from the usual fun stuff we will also talk about us trying to conceive without success and what the next steps could/should be. I already know that I'm not putting my body in the best position to fall pregnant by being overweight, but hearing it from my doctor will be absolutely mortifying nonetheless... So I'm sure it'll be less of a blow if I'm already on my way to a healthier weight and feeling a bit better about myself.

First step: getting back into the 160's. There are no special events or extra things planned for next week, it'll be just a normal work week... perfect for me to establish a routine with my new schedule and all.

Here I go again...