ONCE AND FOR ALL

big changes!

2009-09-23T05:33:00.002Z

I'm still hanging in there, trying to do better and get back on track... It's hard. However, I have something that's REALLY motivating me!!!! Want to see?

Have a look here!

Yep, that's right. I have a new blog! YAY! Thanks to The Blog Fairy, all my blog wishes came true!

This is a new start for me. Hope to see you there! :)

ugh!

2009-09-21T05:50:00.002Z

Erm... that loss I was talking about in my last post? It's gone. Well, almost. I weighed in this morning and had a gain of + 1.3 kg /2.9 lbs... UGH!

I knew it was coming though... it wasn't totally out of the blue. My favourite cousin had his housewarming party on Saturday and there was a lot of food... and I tried it all. And then I went back for seconds. And because there was so much leftovers (especially bread and meat and cheese), some of us went back on Sunday morning for a big brunch... Um, yeah. My weekend was literally filled with food. And so was I.

So. Today is the beginning of a new week. A fresh start again. My tracker is printed and I'm ready to do better!

I've got lots of ideas and big plans and SO much to tell you all... Unfortunately I don't have much time right now or else I'm running late for work, but I'll be back tonight. Stay tuned for some big news! ;)

Have a good day!

a few random things

2009-09-15T20:22:00.006Z

Oh boy, this week has me busy busy busy again... I'm actually sitting in bed right now with the laptop on my knees, totally ready to hit the hay! But I really wanted to check in real quick and let you know how I'm doing and hopefully I'll be able to read at least a few of your blogs before I fall asleep... In order to keep things sweet and short, I'll just do a bullet style post for today.

-- I totally HAVE to tell you about my weigh-in on Monday! Wait for it... I had a super duper loss of 1.8 kilos / 4lbs !!! WOOHOOO!!! Sure, I've been sick and that's the main reason for my loss, but still... I'll take it! :)

-- My exercise plan this week has been just that... a plan. Need to work on that!!! My throat is still a bit sore, but I could still do some light workouts. It's certainly not a good enough excuse.

-- I'm super nervous about tomorrow night... I'm going to have to speak in front of about 130 parents of our students! Oh my... not much and not for very long, just introducing myself to them and telling them about my subject, but still... 130 people!!!

-- Good things are about to happen around here... You'll see soon enough! :)

-- I'm really pooped now... I hope I'll be able to catch up with all of you tomorrow.

Good night for now!

feeling better!

2009-09-11T15:03:00.009Z

I spent today cleaning the whole flat: changing sheets, vacuuming, scrubbing the bathroom, cleaning out the fridge, doing laundry... now I feel like a domestic goddess! Actually, I don't even mind cleaning and housekeeping too much, especially since I discovered audiobooks. Nowadays, I just load up my iPod and do all the household stuff while I'm listening to a good book. That way, I don't even realise I'm actually working... easy peasy! :) And there's just something cathartic about cleaning and decluttering... It's as if my mind becomes clean and fresh and shiny too!

So yeah, I feel a lot better today. I'm really glad this whole being sick thing passed over quickly, so that I'll be ready for action again next week. I'll probably still be twitching things around, but here's my workout plan as it stands at the moment:

Monday:
Yoga
Swimming

Tuesday:
C25K
Body Pump

Wednesday:
Bike to work
Swimming

Thursday:
C25K
Bike to work

Friday:
Swimming
Walk or some exercise DVD

Saturday:
C25K

Sunday:
whatever I feel like...

My ultimate goal is to incorporate two workouts into every day. I need to step things up a notch! But realistically, I think I'll concentrate on doing some sort of exercise each day and every time I get in a second workout it'll be a bonus.

And I'm still having my fingers crossed for a good weigh in next Monday! I know, realistically, I probably won't be able to keep the super loss the scale showed yesterday... I've barely eaten a thing when I was sick, and now that I feel better and am eating again it probably won't last. But still, I should be able to manage a loss, shouldn't I? I just need to be extra careful over the weekend. Especially tonight!

This is what I'll be tempted with in only a few hours: Raclette... YUM!

It's a traditional Swiss dish and so so delicious... if you like cheese that is. Which I do! Nowadays, people usually have a combined oven/grill where you can also grill bacon and sausages and other assorted meat on top and just put the cheese slices underneath to melt. Yummy!

Hope you all have a great Friday!

under the weather

2009-09-09T05:05:00.009Z

I've been sick the last few days. Sore throat, running nose, fever... the works! The regulations about coming in for work when sick are quite strict at the moment because of the swine flu, especially for teachers, so I got to stay home today. I basically just slept the whole day and it worked, I feel a lot better now... still not a hundred percent, but at least the fever's gone.

Being sick has somewhat thwartet my plans of getting back into a routine this week though. Remember I wanted to figure out what kind of workouts would fit best for each day of my week? Umm... this week I haven't done any exercise. At all. Zero. Nada. But I'm cutting myself some slack here. Seriously, I just couldn't... my throat hurt like hell after a very slow five minute walk from my school to the train station already. So instead of actually DOING any exercise, I analysed my schedule and came up with a tentative workout plan. At least I thought about it, right?

And the good thing about not feeling well? For me, that would definitely be the loss of appetite! Don't get me wrong, I don't like being sick. Not at all. But it's nice to know that there's this tiny bit of joy that'll help you through the hurting and suffering... :) I've had no difficulties whatsoever to say No to food in the past few days. Even when my sister brought down Pizza for the boy yesterday (she lives in the flat above us), I had like two bites and was done... it's just not the same when your tastebuds aren't working properly... So yeah, the scales have showed me some nice numbers today! Suddenly, losing 10 pounds in September doesn't seem quite so impossible anymore... :)

I guess there's always a bright side to everything!

PS: Thank you SO much for all the lovely comments on my fatty-fiasco at the beginning of this week! I know the old lady has probably lost some her marbles and I should actually feel sorry for her... It's just that her remarks really hurt. And then your comments made me feel a lot better! You're the best.

fat pants and bitter old ladies

2009-09-07T18:56:00.012Z

Today I printed out a brand new journal for a brand new week. Let's get things rolling! It's time for me to figure out my new routine... I work only part time, so there should be plenty of time left for me to exercise and do stuff for myself and my health! My goal for this week is to figure out what's feasible each day. So today, for instance, I realised that Monday maybe isn't the best day for me to get up earlier to go for a run. Since I started school, I always intended to do that and it just never happened... It's Monday is always the busiest day work wise for me! Going for a run on a Tuesdays actually suits me much better. Ha, I'm getting there... by the end of this week I'll have come up with a workout schedule that suits my needs perfectly. Yay! Nothing can stop me then.... :)

Oh, and that crappy picture up there? That's me in my fat pants. Don't mind the strange angle and the view of our hideously red door frames... it's not that easy to take a quick picture of yourself... :) That's how I went to work today. Yes, in my fat pants. They're just a thousand times more comfortable at the moment than my jeans and don't give me muffin top issues! They're not very nice though... all worn out because I was in them for a quite a while before I went travelling. And the colour... I have a hard time finding shirts and shoes to go with it. Besides, they kind of feel like an orange flashing sign that says "Look here! Look at how BIG this butt and these thighs are!"

I was kind of hoping this is just my imagination but today I was proved wrong. After work I quickly ran into the supermarket to buy a few things and while I was looking at the shelves and putting things in my basket, an elderly lady came up behind me without me hearing her. When I turned to go to another aisle, I sort of bumped into her. Well, I didn't really bump into HER, it was more a case of my shopping basket touching hers... Seriously, it was nothing. And being the nice person that I am, I instantly turned around and apologised to her. You think that's where she should smile and say "It's alright love, no harm done" or something along those lines? Yeah me too... Here's what she said instead:

Her: DON'T YOU HAVE EYES?! (yes, she practically shouted)

Me (totally taken aback by her reaction but still friendly): Um... Not at the back of my head I'm afraid... Listen, I'm really sorry.

Her (walking away, muttering under her breath but still loud enough for me and everyone else to hear): ... but of course, you're fat and overweight! (as in: That's the reason you bumped into me.)

Me (utterly gobsmacked and thinking WHAT? What does it have to do with it?): Oh. Well observed. But I already knew. I do have a mirror at home, you know...

At this point, I might have or not have muttered something under my breath too... I'm not proud of that, because I don't usually go about and talk that way to little old ladies, but I just felt totally insulted and humiliated and angry!

So that's when she turns around and practically yells: ... AND YOU'RE A FATTY!

I was stunned into silence. The two people that were in the same aisle looked away, embarrassed. I could tell they felt for me, but I just thought "She's right, isn't she? I'm a fatty." I felt like laughing out loud about her total rudeness and at the same time felt tears stinging. I know she's just an old bitter woman who has maybe gone a bit mental already, and I should just shrug it off. But the remark stung. Like, REALLY stung. And the same time it makes me very very angry. Why do people think it's ok to insult and humiliate fat people? I'm equal. I'm a worthy person too, regardless of my weight.

Plus, I could outrun her anytime... Take that, old bitch!

confessions

2009-09-04T16:26:00.011Z

I'm still in some kind of limbo land where I'm trying to find a routine... It's slowly getting better though. Since I started my new job about 3 weeks ago, everything has been new and special and exciting. While it's been a nice change, I'm still glad the novelty of it all is finally subsiding... I need routine! It'll help me to concentrate on eating healthy and getting enough exercise in. During those frist weeks I've had no mental capacity to do that... and it shows. Blimey, does it ever show!

So it's time for a few confessions... I reached a new high on the scale! Aarrgh! It's not the highest weight I've ever been, but the highest since I lost so much weight when I was travelling... It's hard to admit, but within those 10 months I've now officially gained 14 kilos (31 pounds) back. And even though I'm a metric person and only convert my numbers into pounds for my non-metric friends, it totally, utterly irks me that I'm back in the 170's... Ugh! And it's not just about the number either... It's as if some invisible 'fat mark' has been overstepped, because I now feel it on every level: I'm fat again. It doesn't take much to get me out of breath. I'm sweating easily. The self-conscious tugging at shirts has returned. I'm back in my hideous fat pants. If I wear my normal jeans there's some serious muffin top issue going on. I feel fat and I feel ashamed.

But - and there's a big BUT - it won't stay this way for long... I already declared September as my month for a fresh start and now I want this to become reality more than ever!!! Oh, and I've got every reason to make this happen too... Apart from feeling way better, being healthier, happier and more confident I also totally want a 'GO GIRL' package from Toronto which the lovely Kerry offered to send should I lose 10 pounds by the end of September. What an incentive! It's going to be tough, but I totally want to give this my all! (Of course, I'm already thinking of things to include in my package for her, since I'm quite sure that she will reach this goal...) On top of that fun incentive there's also my scheduled yearly OB appointement at the end of this month which hopefully should get me going. Last time my doctor saw me was when I got back from travelling, i.e. 14 kilos/31 pounds ago... ugh... I'm already nervous. Apart from the usual fun stuff we will also talk about us trying to conceive without success and what the next steps could/should be. I already know that I'm not putting my body in the best position to fall pregnant by being overweight, but hearing it from my doctor will be absolutely mortifying nonetheless... So I'm sure it'll be less of a blow if I'm already on my way to a healthier weight and feeling a bit better about myself.

First step: getting back into the 160's. There are no special events or extra things planned for next week, it'll be just a normal work week... perfect for me to establish a routine with my new schedule and all.

Here I go again...

another fresh start

2009-09-02T15:00:00.006Z

I remember reading on some blog that September is the new January: a new start with a clean slate and all the best intentions and resolutions that go with it. Hey, this suits me just fine! I'm right here with you, ready to start afresh and make the most of this brand new month that lies before us. And I've got a really good feeling about it too! I know I said as much before (many times in fact). And I also know that so far I failed every single time to stick with it for longer than maybe two or three weeks... *blush*... So why do I think this time is different?

You see, I'm an emotional eater. My overall happiness plays a big role in my weight loss efforts. Especially when I'm stressed, I tend to cope with just stuffing my face. Oh wait, maybe "cope" is the wrong word... I don't really "cope" by eating so much food, it's more like a diversion tactic, a way to calm down and escape all the things that threaten to overwhelm me. Even if it's only for the few minutes it takes to gobble up some crisps or ice cream or whatever else strikes my fancy that moment. If that's not long enough, I'll just go back for a second serving. And a third. And a... Ok, I guess you catch my drift. Not a very clever or effective way to handle stress, but something that's become a habit that is hard to break.

For a long time, there's always been something that caused me a great deal of stress and needed to be done "before" I could concentrate on eating right or exercising enough. My To Do list seemed to be endless and I hardly found time for myself. But no more! This time will be different because I'm finally starting to put myself first and sort my life out. Things are starting to fall into place for me and my stress level slowly but surely decreases. YAY!

So yes, this is a fresh start - and a much needed one at that! I can feel my jeans getting tighter again. And the Scale Gods aren't happy with me either... I'm going to update my stats and I'll need to change a few things around on my blog so that it reflects my fresh start. I'm all excited and full of ideas now. Oh, how I love a fresh start! :)

september's here!

2009-09-01T05:31:00.003Z

Oh September, I love you already! This is so going to be my month... the month I take care of myself, the month I put myself first, the month I get back to tracking and exercising and last but no least, it'll be the month I'll succeed! I'm starting over with a clean slate today and I'm going to see a decent loss at the end of September. That's a promise to myself.

And today's our 2nd wedding anniversary! Wow, I've been married to my favourite ever man for two years and I couldn't be happier. I'm looking forward to tonight because I think we'll do something special... Yesterday he was looking things up online and was all secretive, shooing me out of the room and threatening to lock the door should I come near... haha... so yeah, I'm kind of excited for tonight. :)

I'll be back soon with a proper update... I've got SO much to talk about! But I've got to run now or I'll be late for school. See you later!

one month later...

2009-08-24T06:31:00.019Z

... seems like a good time to come back and tell you all about my vacation! We had a brilliant time in Croatia! I never knew it was so nice there... a bit like the Côte d'Azur or the Italian Riviera actually: beautiful coast with emerald green water, rocky cliffs with lots of nice little tucked-away beaches and quaint little towns with very friendly people. And it was SO hot!

Before I left I felt like I'd finally gotten back into the swing of things. I was so motivated and acutally felt a bit bummed I had to leave... I was also a bit worried that being away from home would send me into "I'm on vacation so I can eat I whatever I like" mode, but guess what... that didn't happen at all! I brought my tracker and all my WW stuff and the mere thought of my sticker sheet at home kept me from straying off plan. Woohooo, that weekly incentive thing SO works! Here's some pictures of what we ate while being on vacation...

This was a typical breakfast while we were on tour with the kayaks... There's no freshly baked bread or any such thing on those lonely beaches, so we had to bring everyhting. In hindsight, it somewhat amazes me that I felt totally satisfied with a few crackers, a little slice of cheese and a nectarine... but it totally worked for me then.

For dinner we always had some variation of this picture: pasta or rice with either lots of veggies or tomato sauce. It's not exactly haute cuisine, but it was reasonably low in points and the carbs were needed for extra energy while paddling... And honestly, there's just nothing better than sitting on the ground, sharing a simple meal and eating it directly out of the pan! Seriously, you should try it. :)

Oh, and of course we also got to try the local speciality: Cevapcici! These savoury sausages contain quite a bit of fat and have like a gazillion points... We had them with a nice fresh salad and I allowed myself to eat three sausages. Yummy!

I know a lot of people struggle with losing weight while being on vacation... For me, it seems to make things a lot easier! Sure, paddling for almost three hours every day helped with losing weight. But when I'm away from home, I'm also suddenly able to tell exactly when I'm full and then STOP eating. And the need for snacking between meals? It's just not there. I don't even think about it. I wish I knew what makes the difference, so I could apply this to my eating habits at home... Because really, that's when things went awry again. But that'll be another post... I'm just glad that I finally have the time to blog again! :)

see you later!

2009-07-24T20:01:00.006Z

Oh man, it's like 3:30 am and we're off shortly... going to Croatia! YAY! Just wanted to pop in very very quickly and say goodbye and see you later. I'll be back in two weeks with an update and probably lots of pictures... :)

Until then, I wish you all a wonderful time and good luck!

workout wednesday on friday

2009-07-24T04:43:00.009Z

Thanks for the lovely comments yesterday. It' feels great to be on a roll! Yeah, I love those smiley stickers too. And guess what? I like them even more on my reward list! Because... drumroll... I got my first sticker today for completing this weeks C25K runs! Hurray!

Oh, and then I came back and did this week's workout for Amy's 15 week challenge. Lunges, squats and all kinds of other butt-murdering exercises... Oh boy, I'm SOOOO going to feel this tomorrow! I also tried to take pictures, but they turned out even more embarrassing than the ones I took for the tummy workout. It's not that easy to take pictures of yourself exercising... :) Anyway, it's done and I must say I'm quite proud of myself for taking the time to do it.

Because today I'm going to be so busy it's not funny. We're heading off on our roadtrip tomorrow and the flat needs to be cleaned, things must be packed, the mother-in-law needs to be driven to the city (1 hour per way) to her doctor appointment and then there's all the things I still need to organise for my new workplace... Ok. Deep breath. Stay calm. I can do it all. Just one thing at the time, and then the next.

I'm so ready for this vacation! It's going to be so much fun and I'm really looking forward to some kayaking time. It seems like it's been ages since we last went. Of course I'm also kind of hoping it'll do wonders for my arms and shoulders... haha... A bit of toning in that area sure wouldn't hurt.

Speaking of vacation and toning and exercise and stuff... I'm on such a roll right now and I'd hate if the dreaded 'I'm on vacation and therefore it's ok to inhale whatever food is around' mode got in my way. I've already printed out the journals to track my points for the next two weeks as I'm really intending to not veer off plan too much. But how do I do that? I mean, sure, when we cook our own meals on our camping stove, it's easy to figure out the points of my meal. However, it's a VACATION! There will be eating out. There will be trying out local food. And it's only going to be wild guesses as to how many points are in these dishes... Again. Deep breath. I'll be ok. I'll do my best. And it's going to be just fine. :)

Do you think I'm an overly obsessive freak for thinking about bringing my scale along so I don't miss a weigh in? ... hahaha... I might be laughing but I'm not even joking... :)

welcome back mr. motivation!

2009-07-22T09:26:00.011Z

I feel like I'm finally back! For real. Not the 'Oh I guess I should write a post because it's been ages since my last one' kind of back but the 'Oh man I'm so highly motivated I could embrace the world and need to tell everyone in blogland about it' kind of back... Finally!

I think I've got Amy to thank for it. Thinking about my goals and how to reward myself for reaching them seems to be just what I needed! Oh yes, I'm cheap like that - the mere promise of goodies makes me get down to business... Why didn't the prospect of being healthier, fitter and better-looking got me going? I shall never know... because I'm not going to rack my brain to think of the reasons... I'm just enjoying the new found motivation and run with it! :)

Obviously, I'm still very much in love with my reward plan! I even came up with a visual support for the weekly incentive... This is now hanging on the wall in the office just above my desk...

And then I bought these... Lots of stickers that are just waiting to be put on that reward list! Woohooo, I'm so excited!!! :)

This morning was actually time for my second run on the C25K programme this week. I like to run very bright and early, when the temperature is still low and most people are asleep and therefore can't see me... It's just the getting out of bed part is a bit hard for me though, and I almost always have a battle going on inside my head until I finally get up. Or hit the snooze button. Whatever 'voice' wins... :) But today the extra incentive of getting a sticker really helped! I got up, put my running shoes on and went for that run basically just because I want to earn a sticker... haha... love it!

goals and rewards

2009-07-20T14:57:00.057Z

This week's challenge is to make a list of both our long-term and short-term goals and come up with ideas to reward ourselves for reaching those goals. That's great!!! I've been wanting to do this for a long time anyway, and now I can even earn some bonus points for it! (For once, my tendency to procrastinate actually paid off... hahaha...)

The goals were pretty easy to set. I mean, it's crystal clear: I want to lose weight, so I just picked a few milestones that are on my way to my goal. The rewards were a different matter. At first, I could hardly come up with things I could reward myself with that would really push me to reach them... And then, once I started, more and more things came to my mind so that I now have wonderful reward system in place which hopefully gets me going!

My short-term goals and rewards:

These are all the little (and not so little) things I thought of to reward myself... Mind you, these rewards rewards are only for my short-term goals! It's a bit like a catalogue of goodies I can choose from when I 'earn' enough bonus points. Cool, eh?

And here's how it works:

As I'm usually not very good with long-term challenges I decided to give myself some smaller incentives that last only a week at a time. Whenever I complete one (or more) of these little challenges I earn some 'bonus points' which in return can be used on something from my goodie list. In order to make things a bit more interesting, not every item costs the same amount of bonus points... The smaller things can be achieved more easily while the bigger things 'cost' more. This way, I'll really have to 'work' for my rewards!

Challenges (lasting for a week):

Go to work by bike every day! --- 2 bonus points
Drink at least 2 litres of water every day! --- 1 bonus point
Swim more than 7 km! --- 2 bonus points
Do the C25K programme on three days! --- 1 bonus point
Stay within my points allowance every day! ---1 bonus point
Do 30 crunches / 10 push-ups / 20 lunges every day! --- 1 bonus point

Rewards:

5 bonus points: book, audiobook, cinema, body shop olive shampoo
10 bonus points: cookbook, bobby brown cosmetics, exercise dvd
15 bonus points: hat, flip flops, sunglasses, glasses, jewellery
20 bonus points: kettle bells, heart rate monitor, trainers, tankini, jeans, sports bra, handbag
25 bonus points: click pedals for my bike, denim jacket, leather boots, running shoes, softshell
30 bonus points: racing bike, macro lens

Ok, I'm not entirely sure yet whether the amount of points given for each incentive and needed for these items are realistic and fair... I might change this around a bit as I go along. I want my goals (and the rewards!) to be achieveable but not too easy to get.

Also, it just occurred to me that I'm going to have to juggle a whole lot of 'points' with this system AND being on weightwatchers... Maybe I'll just collect stickers instead? This would be visual too and probably a lot more fun! Either way, I'm looking forward to some cool new stuff... :)

My mid-term goals and rewards:

So these little incentives are all very nice, right? And hopefully they will keep me on my toes and add up to something good... feeling better, being more healthy, improving my overall fitness and of course weight loss! Yes, ultimately it's losing weight I want to achieve, so I think I should reward myself for reaching weighty milestones. I'm now 77 kilos, so I can see a little reward in my hopefully near future...

Weigh less than 75 kilos

A pedicure! I don't nearly take enough care of my feet... This will be so nice!

Weigh less than 70 kilos

A massage! By the time I reach this milestone I'll have worked pretty hard already... it'll be around my 10% weight loss. Sure I'll have earned a massage, right?

Weigh less than 65 kilos

A special day at the Hamam (turkish bath) just for me! My mother, my sister and I usually go there once a year... It's pure heaven! So so nice! It'll be my special treat for myself when I reach this milestone.

Weigh less than 60 kilos

A day (or say an hour) at Bobby Brown's! I was never one to wear a lot of makeup (or any, for that matter) for the simple reason that I don't really know how to apply it properly... It just looks weird on me. One of my best friends studied to be a makeup artist recently though, so when she needed a model I volunteered. And she did an amazing job! I totally loved it! So when I reach this milestone, I'm going to have my face done and learn the basics.

My long-term goal and reward:

My goal weight is 55 kilos. It's been almost 15 years since I only weighed this much... I chose this number because it's right smack in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I know it's going to take a lot of work to get there. But get there I will. Because look at what awaits me once I get there!

Yes, it's a shopping day! But not only any old shopping day, but an entire shopping trip to a destination of my choice!!!! Hurray!!!! You see, I couldn't decide on whether I should go for a new wardrobe or a vacation as my final reward... so I just decided to combine both! Very clever, huh? Because let's be practical here, when I reach my goal, I'm going to NEED new clothes, right? The old one's won't fit! But I love love love travelling, and this is actually a much bigger incentive for me to get there... I could go see a city I've always wanted to visit! I could meet a fellow blogger on the trip! Oh the possibilities... :)

So I guess I better start saving up! And I already have an idea on how to get extra cash for the trip... You see, from now on, I want to see losses at my weekly weigh-ins! So should I have a gain, I'm going to pay a fee of $100 into my saving funds for the shopping trip. Yes, I realise that this is not a 'real' penalty as I'm going to have more money if I gain... but I'm just going to pretend it is.

Thanks Amy for making this weekly challenge! It totally motivated me to sit down and think about my goals and where I'm heading and coming up with those rewards just gave me that extra kick I needed. And it was so much fun thinking of all the things I could pamper myself with! Can't wait to get my first reward!

running in the wrong direction!

2009-07-18T15:33:00.014Z

Things are getting a bit out of control over here... Look at my weight this week! This is not the direction I want it to go! Aarrgh... I thought of just conveniently 'forgetting' to put my weight up in my sidebar, but maybe seeing it there will help me get my focus back? Umm, yeah... At least it's a nice round number... I love me some nice round numbers. I'm 77 kilos now, so I'll have to lose 22 kilos to reach my goal of 55 kilos... this all has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? And it sounds oh so simple, saying it like that! :)

Ok, so I'm not whining (what would be the point of that anyway?), but getting back on track TODAY. As in RIGHT NOW. I got up an hour extra early to go for a run. I've decided to start the C25K programme again. I found a podcast by Robert Ullrey, where he tells you exactly when to run and when to walk which is great. Before, I was so focused on my watch the whole time that I didn't really get to 'enjoy' the running and walking at all. The music's ok, not really my favourite kind of music, but at least there's a beat I can move to. So yeah, Bob and I have already been out and about!

Oh right, speaking of running... I went for a run on Saturday too! This one was inspired by Amy's Wednesday Workout assignment. She challenged us to go outside for 20 minutes and run as far and as long as we could and felt comfortable for. To be honest, up until the weekend, I didn't know whether I would give the challenge a go or not... but then on Saturday when I woke up, I surprisingly felt like going for a run. So I put on my running shoes, grabbed my iPod and my camera and off I went. So here's how it went...

First, I took a picture of the church's clock to mark the start of my 20 minutes. It was half past seven on Saturday morning and everybody else seemed to be still asleep. Everything was still so quiet - loved it!

Here's me running. Ok, so it might have been more like a slow jog instead of a run... but hey, you got to start small, right?

It was pretty dark and gloomy in the forest due to the rainy weather and the early hour so most pictures didn't turn out very well... But here's me, about 15 minutes into my run, sweating like a pig! :)

Once I was out of the forest, I startet taking pictures again. From here, I usually have a beautiful view of the nearby Alps when the weather's nice. On Saturday... not so much.

Still sweating profusely... And looking somewhat spent too. :)

On my way back I met this sweet girl... Just look at those eyes! And yes, it's actually true what they say about there being many cows in my country... :)

This is where I live. Or at least a glimpse of my little town...

And here's proof: I was out for 45 minutes! I guess I probably ran about half of it and walked the rest. And believe me, I felt so much better afterwards!

see you tomorrow?!

2009-07-17T11:06:00.000Z

Now that was a bit of lie, wasn't it? :) Ok, so I had every intention to be back the next day but then life got in the way... It sometimes happens. I've been super busy! Just as always before the school year ends... This year I had to deal with extra stressful situations and some minor drama, but now - tadaaa - I'm done! Wohooo! School's out! I'm utterly happy about it because I didn't really like the school I worked for and I'm so glad I'll be working for a different school after summer break.

Ah, summer break! So nice! I do have a ton of work to do as I want to be as prepared for my new work place as possible. So my first week off just flew by - with me organising my stuff, having meetings with my new principal and stuff. Sure, this is all quite important, but hello? I'm officially off work and can't even fit a decent workout in??? So for the remaining four weeks of summer break, I'm not only going to work... I'm also going to have fun and leave enough time in a day to do some things I really WANT to do. Like exercise. Hahaha... Seriously though, I plan to exercise daily during my time off and hope that after four weeks of doing so it'll be second nature to me.

And of course I still want to rock Amy's challenge... Ok, so might not totally rock it as I've been doing quite badly so far, but at least I want to do half-decent and not be the uber loser. Frankly, I thought about quitting the challenge altogether because I'm rubbish at it, but then I thought what the hell... I'm not doing this to win a prize, I'm doing this for myself! And while I really admire and applaud those who do so so great on the challenge, it's only me I should focus on. Because I don't need to be best, and I don't need to win and even if I'll have only a tiny overall loss I'll still be a step closer to where I want to be.

Next Friday we go on vacation! YAY!!! A roadtrip to Croatia, how about that? I'm so looking forward to it! We'll pack our folding kayaks and then tour a bit around the supposedly very beautiful islands in the Mediterraen Sea. Just look at the picture - it'll be pure bliss!

Can you tell I'm excited?! :)

workout wednesday

2009-07-01T19:30:00.006Z

These must be the most embarrassing pictures I ever posted of myself. But I did it! Amy's 15 week challenge features Workout Wednesday and did my best complete this weeks exercises. But man, was it hard! Ahem... it was a bit like a slap in my face because it really really showed me how out of shape I am. Thanks Amy for kicking my butt!

I also worked on the recipe for the weekly challenge: I prepared my weight friendly recipe, took lots of pictures and will be ready to post it tomorrow. YAY! So far I'm really loving the challenge!
Oh and just so you know, you'll be seeing a lot more pictures here in the summer... I'm going to take at least one picture each day and post it here. This can be of anything really: just a quick glance at my life each day. I saw this 'picture a day' idea on some other blog (can't remember which one) and thought why not give this a try? I love it when people post pictures and it will also be a good reminder to take out my camera more often. Plus, it's summer break soon and I'll have the time. YAY!

Ok, off to bed now... See you all tomorrow! :)

some random thoughts

2009-06-30T21:28:00.013Z

The time just before summer break is usually a pretty busy and somewhat hectic time for me and this year is no different... I've been wanting to write a proper update for days now. But since there's so much going on right now, my thoughts are all over the place and writing a coherent post is kind of difficult. So I'll just pour my thoughts out here as randomly as they swirl around in my head at the moment... Maybe if I get them off my jest, I can write a proper post tomorrow. :)

I have only two weeks to go then school is out! YAY! This means it's my last two weeks at this particular school as I got a new job at a new school after summer break. I'm looking forward to start at the new school although there's the whole getting to know my new collegues thing which makes me a bit nervous too...
Summer is finally here! We had a really hot and sunny day today which was great! I love summer, because it's so easy to have light meals as I'm usually not that hungry when it's so hot outside... It also makes it a bit tough to exercise though - I sweat like a pig! I think it's time for me to switch to early morning workouts. Shouldn't be too hard, as I'm off work in only two weeks.
We get five weeks summer break before school starts again. I plan to make good use of those weeks off work: lots of exercise, clean eating and looking after myself!
I'm really really excited about Amy's 15 week challenge! I put it in my sidebar and hope for some good numbers! It's too bad I kind of screwed the first two days of the challenge already, but I'm ready NOW. Bring it on!
I'm also thinking hard about her weekly challenge already. I do have an idea, but it's so simple I'm not sure it would even count... Maybe I should find something a bit more difficult?
My starting weight for the challenge is ridiculously high and I'm a tad ashamed about it. But that's the way it is and I've got to blame myself for it. What did I expect after a full-on binge week? It's going to get better!
I'm ok again about the whole pregnancy thing... I never thought trying to conceive would be such a rollercoaster of emotions! I really try to not obsess over it and I think I succeed most of the time. It's just when TOM rolls around again I get a little emotional. Also, having one of my best friend announcing HER pregnancy to me didn't really help matters... I'm really happy for her. But I admit it's also a bit difficult... Maybe that makes me a bad person or a bad friend, but I just can't help it.
If one more person gushes to me over how they got pregnant the first month trying, I might need to hit them.
But seriously, now that the whole PMS blah is over, I feel good again. And I'm ok with not being pregnant yet. Hey, it leaves me time to buckle down on the weight loss front some more, right?
I need to get back to a more regular sleeping pattern. Until two weeks ago, I used to go to bed quite early and I always got enough sleep. Now that the weather's so nice and the days are longer I tend to go to bed too late... Altough I'm a morning person, it's been hard to get up lately.
I'm thinking of giving up my 'writing job' at our local newspaper. Even though it comes out only monthly the current article that needs to be written seems to be constantly on my mind, blocking my energy that I could use for other things. I don't handle deadlines too well either. I'm not sure though: it's such a great opportunity and feel I should be grateful instead of looking for ways out.
I need to think of something to do to 'celebrate' the end of this school year. On a Friday, I usually work until 10am only - that leaves enough time on that day to do something to mark the day. Instead of going for drinks or eating out I'm thinking more along the lines of going to the hairdresser. Or maybe a pedicure? Any ideas?
Oh, and one more thing... Those Green Monsters everyone's drinking for breakfast? They look somewhat scary. However, since I really like spinach I think I need to try one too. Jump on the Green Monster bandwagon. There's just one little question nibbling at the back of my head: Will I be full afterwards? Somehow I fear that 'drinking' my breakfast instead of 'eating' will leave me hungry... How is it for you guys?

good luck!

2009-06-29T18:12:00.003Z

I signed up for Amy's 15 week challenge and I'm all excited and pumped about it! Challenges are not always my thing as I tend to get a bit stressed out about them, but I thought I'd give this one a try anyway. It sounds like fun with the weekly extra challenges... And of course I also hope that this will make me get down to business and put some serious effort in my quest to lose the extra pounds! So good luck to me and everyone else who's in!

i've been tagged!

2009-06-28T12:58:00.009Z

Skinny Me tagged me to answer these questions and I'm happy to oblige...

Rules:
1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention & add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people.

What's your current obsession? Erm... food? I wish I could say running!

What are you wearing today? I'm wearing brown yoga pants and a red (and very old) t-shirt, no shoes... not very fashionable, but very comfortable! :)

What's for dinner? If the weather holds, we're going to have a BBQ dinner with my sister and her husband. Lamb, a fresh salad (from our "garden") and possibly some oven baked potatoes. YUM!

What's the last thing you bought? Apart from food? We ordered/bought a new bed yesterday...

What are you listening to right now? I'm not listening to anything right now, but since the windows are open, I hear cars passing, dogs barking and the church bell just rang...

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next YEAR, where would you go? That's a tough one. There's many places I've already been to that I would go back to instantly, given the chance, and there's even more places I haven't seen and would love to... I'd probably just grab my backpack and travel the world and see where I end up staying.

Which language do you want to learn? I'm currently learning Spanish and obviously want to improve... I'd also love to refresh my French and Italian because I forgot so much.

What do you love most about where you currently live? It's a small and somewhat rural town where a lot of people still know each other. I love it most of the times, even though the gossiping can be a bit annoying... :) Since I live in the foothills of the Alps I also love our proximity to some nice mountain bike and hiking trails - some of them only a five minute walk from our flat. I also love the view of the mountains!

What is your favourite colour? Guess! Yes, it's green... :)

What's your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? The leather jacket I bought in La Paz, Bolivia. (Even though it doesn't fit too well right now...)

Describe your personal style? I don't think I do have a style... right now I just wear what fits. Something I hope to change soon!

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? I'd probably save it for travelling.

What are you going to do after this? Fold the laundry and then curl up on the sofa with my book.

Your favourite smell? The smell of rain or the smell of freshly cut grass.

Do you collect anything? Not really... Pounds maybe? I seem to have a lot of those! :)

What makes you follow a blog? When I feel some sort of "connection" to the blogger... maybe because I can relate to what she/he has to say? I also appreciate a sense of humour.

What's your favourite drink? Water, tea (PG tips or Chai)

What's one thing you dream of doing? Buy a mule and walk around the Mediterrean Sea

What is your biggest regret? What shall I say... getting fat? I try not to dwell on the past too much though. What's the point in having regrets? Oh wait, there's one thing: A few years back we were asked to house-sit a hostel in Canada for a few months, but we declined the offer because we just got back home after travelling for 10 months. We felt we couldn't just up and leave again after having been gone for such a long time. Thinking back now... We should have just done it!

What is your favourite thing to do on a rainy day? Going for a walk in the rain and then come home, curl up on the sofa with a good book and a cup of tea.

Do you have a tattoo? No, and probably never will. I like piercings but tattoos are not really my thing...

What are your favourite books? Oh, that list could be endless... I'm a total book lover and I like all kind of books! If I had to name one, I'd say "Into The Wild" by Jon Krakauer is my favourite of all times. It has touched something deep within me and has inspired me to do things I never thought I would/could.

Are you left-handed, right-handed, ambidextrous, or a little of both? Right handed.

What is your favourite fruit? My preferences change with the seasons... Right now it's watermelon and raspberries. Frozen raspberries are my weapon of choice against my sweet tooth at the moment! :)

Blackberry or iPhone? I really don't care one way or the other.

What/Who inspired you to start your blog? I didn't even know what a blog is, when I surfed the net and by accident stumbled upon Ms Jayme's freewebs site. Her story and especially her pictures inspired me to join WW and eventually start my own blog. I think she became a WW leader, and sadly she felt she had to give up her blog for that. Does anyone remember her?

What are you most happy about today? Oh well, it's a Sunday and I'm off work... And after weeks of rain the sun is shining today! Welcome summer!

Since a lot of bloggers seem to have been tagged already, I'll just leave it open to everyone who feels like answering the questionnaire. Have fun!

down...

2009-06-24T12:31:00.002Z

... and I'm NOT talking about my weight here. Trying to get pregnant with no luck really puts an EXTRA spin on your mood swings when Aunt Flo shows up yet again... Allow me a little moment to wallow in self pity. I'll pick myself up in a minute or two and then I'll be back with a proper post.

i want to blog...

2009-06-21T09:00:00.003Z

... but I shouldn't. At least not until I finished writing this effing article. I've been having peeks at your blogs and I hate not having time to leave comments. There's also so much I want to write about here and I can't because I should be doing other things. Like writing the article. Aarrggh!

Ok. No more peeking at blogs. I'll get down to business and will be back when I'm done with the article. See you soon!

putting myself first

2009-06-18T11:45:00.008Z

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my weigh in yesterday. They totally made my day! Oh, and the number on the scale certainly helped too... :)

It's funny how a good weigh in can put a spring in your step and lift your mood... And while I totally agree with people who say we shouldn't let the numbers on the scale dictate how we feel, I'm definitely not going to suppress the good feelings that come with a good weigh in. Instead, I'm going to enjoy them and make them last as long as possible. Use the positive energy and make the most of it!

I've done a lot of thinking lately... thinking about what I really want in life, where my priorities should be and what I need to do to become the best Me I can be. I'm not talking about changing the person I am, it's more like improving myself or improving certain areas of my life so that I can be content and happy. Looking over my last few posts, I realised that both physically and mentally I've not been in a place I want to be... So far I'm quite a whiner really, aren't I? Even though I've always come here with the best of intentions, I usually ended up making excuses for not doing what needs to be done. And then lament over the lack of progress... Yeah right.

So this recent little success has been somewhat of an eye-opener for me. It feels good to be happy! It feels good to have all this positive energy! And I'm going to use it to put myself first for a change. I think this is where I've gone wrong for so long now... Changing my priorities might be the clue!

yay!

2009-06-17T10:02:00.002Z

This week's result: - 2kg / 4.4 lbs

Woohoooo! I'm a happy camper today... :)

stepping it up a notch!

2009-06-10T04:35:00.019Z

This week's result: - 0.4 kg / 0.8 lbs

Oh what measly loss... Do I really want this enough? Because if I do, I definitely need to step things up a notch! It's not enough to start off each week with new determination and then taper off after two days. It's not enough to give up as soon as a slightly challenging food situation comes up. It's not enough to overeat on a weekend just because it's the weekend. And where was my common sense when I thought that it's ok to indulge that much on a weekend because I'll still have two days to get back on track and therefore could still have an reasonably good weigh in on Wednesday? Note to self: It.does.not.work!

Umm yeah... So here I am again. Instead of beating myself up I choose to be happy about the loss. Hey, at least it was a loss, right? And there's always today to make things better! I'm certainly not giving up on my challenge - it might have become a little bit harder to reach my goals because I just wasted a week, but I'll get there nonetheless! That's a promise (to myself).

Last week I also said I would post more pictures... So what better occasion than this (now that I start over afresh once again... haha) to post some new 'before' pictures? I'm not at my highest weight ever, so technically they're not the worst before photos I have, but I still wanted something to compare my eventual nice and slim pictures to... So I made the boy take those typical shots you always see everywhere.

These were taken last Saturday, just before we went out for the boy's birthday dinner... We had a fantastic time! I actually felt really good about myself that day and thought I didn't look too bad... Even so, there's still lots of room for improvement!

Ok, I'm off for a walk - the weather's gorgeous today!

goals and challenges

2009-06-05T21:13:00.005Z

There's a lot of great challenges in blogland right now and part of me wants to jump in and join one too. Challenges are fun! The other part of me is a bit cautious though... Sometimes I want too much too fast. It's actually a bit of a weakness of mine: it doesn't take much to spark my motivation but I often lack the consistency to see something through to the end... Especially when I put too much pressure on myself by setting unrealistic goals. And with the added 'competition factor' of a challenge I often find myself under too much pressure... Stupid, I know. But in the past, those challenges didn't work out so well for me: I would start totally gung-ho about the whole thing and then throw in the towel about halfway when I realised I wouldn't meet the challenge's goal. Right now, I need to focus on my own goals and maybe create my own challenge just for myself.

Here's my plan for the month of June...

Weight: 70 kg / 154 lbs
My weigh-in is on Wednesdays and it just so happens that next month starts on a Wednesday... So July 1st is the day. Of course I wish I could weigh less by then, but again, I got to be realistic, right? And hey, it's not that I don't have to work to reach this mini goal... and when I reach it, I'll be already that much closer to my overall goal weight. So bring on the losses!

Exercise: 1700 minutes
This translates into an hour of exercising every day. Sure, it could be more - I've seen some workout schedules of other bloggers that leave me in awe - but an hour a day is already a lot more than I'm doing right now, so there... :)

Food: 4 new recipes
In order to bring some variety into my eating habits, I'm going to try out four new healthy and weight-friendly recipes and blog about them. I've come to love those blogs where people put up pictures of their food!

Accountability: blog, blog, blog!
I'm not going to set myself a measurable goal here... I'm not going to promise to post daily, because it's a promise I could probably not keep anyway. However, I'd love to get back into blogging more regulary since it really keeps me on my toes. I also want to include more pictures!

There's so many other goals or challenges I could set for myself, but I think these four will do for the moment. Remember: not too much too soon! I rather have only a few goals I can stick with.

So here's to a successful month! Let's make it good one!

facing the music!

2009-06-03T05:15:00.003Z

Yesterday, I left a comment on this really really cool blog. That lady is on fire I tell ya! She had another great weigh in and after I congratulated her for it, I promptly proceeded to beat myself up over my own progress - or lack thereof. Don't get me wrong: it's not that I'm not happy for others who are successful, because I really am. I know for a fact that everyone who manages to pull off a great loss is putting some serious effort in it. It's only fair that it pays off on the scales, right? And honestly, I couldn't be happier for them! It's just at the same time it kind of makes me want to hide under a rock... I feel a tad ashamed that I wasted another week. So my first reaction was to skip my weigh in today. I already knew it was going to be bad, so why punish myself and look at the actual numbers? But then I realised that this is exactly what I've been doing for all these years I've been trying to lose weight - and it got me nowhere. On the contrary, it makes it even worse! Whenever I gained, I would start avoiding the scale, bury my head in the sand and squeeze my eyes shut tightly... pretending everything was alright when everything wasn't. So I decided to stop that vicious cycle right there. Today is my official weigh in Wednesday and I stepped on the scale this morning and faced the music.

This week's result: + 1.3 kg / 2.8 lbs

It wasn't nice to see these numbers, but I acknowledged them and now I'm ready to move on and start into a new week. It's going to be a good one, I'm sure. Because by stepping on the scale today I already took the first hurdle.

catching up

2009-05-27T11:26:00.001Z

Today's been my second weigh-in after declaring myself back in the game two weeks ago. My first week has been a great one and I was rewarded for my efforts with a stellar loss of -1.9 kg (4.2 lbs). Yay! I was super happy! That first week, I gave it my all, counted points even when challenged with social out-of-my-control eating situations and did some form of exercise every single day... and it totally paid off!

The second week was tough. Normally, I love the start of a new week because of the clean-slate-feeling... When I manage to start off well, it motivates me no end to add another good day and another and another. However, if things don't go my way right from the start that's when it gets hard... And that's exactly what happened last week. I started off well during the day, but then had to attend a meeting at night where at 10pm (!) they came out with the wine and some snacks. Great. It would have been rude not to have any and so I ended up using too many points on my first day... And then on my second. And then... well I guess you know where this is going. So yeah, I might have only had a tiny loss this week with 0.2 kg (0.4 lbs) but considering how my week went I'm happy with it!

Now I just have to make sure that today I'll have a good start into my new WW week... It's time to step things up a notch!

accountability

2009-05-15T15:24:00.002Z

I'm off shortly to go swimming although I really really really feel like sitting on my lazy behind and do nothing... Maybe saying it out loud on my blog makes it impossible to cop out?

just doing it!

2009-05-14T08:02:00.003Z

I should not be blogging right now, but I just wanted to check in very quickly and let the world know that my first day back on track went very well. I went to the local pool and swam almost 2km, yay! And boy do I ever feel my tummy muscles after Body Pump on Tuesday night... so obviously there are some muscles hiding under all the layers of flab! :) Despite the soreness, I already went for a little run this morning too. Nothing too strenous - it was definitely much much harder than when I last ran at the end of last year! I could literally feel every kilo I put on since then weighin me down... But I did it!

On the food front things have been good too. I even came in under my points yesterday which I thought was ok, because I'll go out with some girlfriends tonight and I guess that'll make up for it... This has always been a hurdle for me in the past, going out with friends and not being able to plan ahead. I don't know where we'll have dinner tonight but I'm sure there'll be a healthy or at least a semi-healthy option wherever we go, so what it boils down to is just me making the right choices! Right now I'm not even too worried about it because I'm all fired up and really pumped to do it right this time. I'm not going to get derailed on my second day already!

I feel like I'm really back now. Or at least I hope so. Because I guess it's you I have to thank for my newfound motivation... How can I not want to join into this "losing weight is fun and we can do it" excitement when it seems to be all around me? It's contagious!

starting over

2009-05-12T19:44:00.006Z

Already?! I just got back into the weight loss game again but hell, it's already time to start over... Apparently my declaration of commitment was mostly an empty promise to myself. It's not that I didn't try, but I certainly didn't try hard enough. I'm finding a thousand excuses for eating crap food and too much of it... and packed on even more unnecessary, unhealthy and unwanted weight because of it. Finding excuses is not that hard, right? I'm sure we could all come up with at least a few in a heartbeat. I guess it's how you choose to act on them that makes all the difference... Well, I haven't made the best choices lately. It's time to start over - so here I am again.

And for several reasons I think it's a perfect time to start over! I've managed to resolve a work-related stressful situation that took away so much of my time and energy for the last few months. That's actually quite huge for me because I'm not very good at saying no and I don't usually stand up for myself very often. Seems like I'm finally learning... yay! And it leaves me more time and energy to put into my weight loss efforts... double yay!
Also, how can I not put some serious effort in it with this great support system around me? There's all these weight loss bloggers who are so inspiring and encouraging. And I'm fortunate enough to have people in my real life who are also actively trying to lose weight and/or get fit which is always a good thing. We're a group of about 6 people (uncle and cousins and friends) who got together the last few Sundays to go on 4 hour long bike rides. It's been fun and even though it's quite hard at times because the others from our group are guys and therefore stronger than me by nature, I really loved it so far. My bum hurts like hell every Sunday evening but hopefully this will get better with time too... :)
Back in December we all went running together and that was great too because for me it's really motivating to do stuff with others. Somehow, running has taken a back seat for all of us but it's time we get going again... Oh, and speaking of exercise: I went to my first ever Body Pump class yesterday! Again, this was because two of my cousins and my aunt go there and they loved it so much that I decided to tag along... It was tough! But so much fun too! I really like the instructor and I'm pretty sure I'll go back next Tuesday. Yay again!

So this is it then. The starting point of my weight loss journey. I weighed in today and I'm looking forward to seeing those numbers in my sidebar go down!

doing good!

2009-04-20T04:49:00.010Z

It was a good decision to go back to counting points I think. At least for the moment. I've been getting back into it for the last few days and it really helped me so far. My choices are a lot better and the mindless snacking in between meals has stopped... Great! That's progress, right? I think my biggest problem were always portion sizes though. But by counting points I'm sure I'll get a grip on that too... Right now, the points value of a meal tells me when to stop and I'm ok with that. It'll take a while to adjust but I do hope smaller portions will become normal again. Because they were when we were travelling! When we went out to have breakfast or dinner at a restaurant, I could never finish my meal. I'd always leave something on my plate because I was full and could not eat more. My brain just somehow worked better while away... :)

That's probably why counting points works for me right now. I don't have to rely on my brain or my body to tell me how much is enough for me which is absolutely fine by me, because there's so much else occupying my head at the moment... It's a busy busy time but also an exciting one!

Here's what's going on in my life right now:

I'm working on my very first article that's going to be published in May in our local newspaper... That's right. There's people who actually think my writing could be good enough to be published. My feelings about that range from giddy excitement with a sprinkle of pride to being petrified with horror. There's going to be an article with my name underneath it! What if it's awful? What if everybody hates it? What if nobody reads it? What if those people who now think I can do this realise they've been mistaken? Ok. Deep breath. I can do this. At least, I'm going to try. Because having this chance really is a dream coming true! I've always wanted to write. And even though it might not exactly be the kind of writing I was dreaming of, it's a start. And I'm going to give it my all and see what happens.

I just got a new job! Yay!!! I had an interview last week and they called me yesterday to tell me they'd like to work with me! That's great news and I'm really really excited and happy to start there. This will be in August, but it sure gives me something to look forward to!

Me and my husband were asked to do a slide show and give a speech about our kayaking adventures in Baja California. Again: this is so exciting but also very terrifying! They think our photos are good enough to be presented in a professional slide show! Yay! But it will also mean that we are to stand in front of people and give a speech... Yikes! (One would think a teacher wouldn't be so anxious about that, right? Isn't this what you do for a living?)

I was also asked to be the photographer at another wedding. I did all my sister's wedding photos and they turned out pretty good considering I'm by no means a professional photographer. So far, it's only been a hobby really, and something I'd do for friends and close family... Last December I did a shooting with my cousin because she wanted to make a sexy calender for her boyfriend. That was fun! For weddings though, I'm sometimes a bit reluctant to take the job... I mean, I'm no professional and what if the photos don't turn out well? They're so important for the bride and groom! It's not as if I could say "Oops, sorry, I didn't quite get that. Could you exchange the rings again?" I'm pretty sure I'll be a nervous wreck, but the wedding's only in August so there's still plenty of time to get worked up about it... :)

See? My life's pretty busy but also quite exciting at the moment! I like it. There's so many possibilities and so many chances! Counting points and losing weight is just one part of my life - but an important one nonetheless. So I'm happy to say that I'm doing well in that departement.

Have a good week everyone!

today's the new monday!

2009-04-16T06:24:00.013Z

Because who said that I need to wait for Monday to start afresh? Or for the first day of next month? Me?! Oh. Right. That was just one of my many many excuses. But no longer! It's Thursday and here I am: full of intentions, full of motivation, ready to go! (Ok, so I'm kind of making that up right now, but who knows, maybe I can talk myself into it...?)

At the moment, I'm still contemplating on whether to go back to counting points or not... I'm not sure. I know I said in my last post that I don't want to go back to obsessing over numbers and take a more intuitive approach to losing weight. But will it work? It kind of doesn't right now. I know I need to give myself time and have patience and relax... but I fear that while I'm doing that, I'm giving myself too many opportunities to find ~~valuable reasons~~ excuses for eating too much and not exercising. And we all know what happens next: I gain a shitload of weight and before I know it I'm back at where I started... Alright, alright! I'll stop being the drama queen! What I'm actually trying to say is that right now, I need something more concrete and I need to see some results to get me going. And while I theoretically know, how to eat healthily and all that (I really do, it's even part of my job!), I think that going back to counting points will give me the necessary guidance I need for now. WW is a bit like having a rope guiding you through a beautiful forest: all you have to do is hang on to that rope and enjoy the view! You don't have to worry about where you step or whether or not you're following the right path... as long as you don't let go of that rope, you're sure to get to where you want to get. Yeah sure, this is a totally simplified metaphor but for me, it really is a bit like handing over some of the responsibility - counting points and following the rules will grant me good results. And that's what I need right now. Starting today, because today is Thursday.

a little background

2009-04-08T15:20:00.040Z

When I first started getting serious about shedding those extra pounds by joining Weight Watchers in 2005, I weighed in at 81.2 kg (179lbs). This might not sound like a lot, but believe me, when you're as short as I am, it really is... According those BMI charts I was not only overweight, but firmly put into the obese section! Not that I needed any charts to tell me I had to change something: the way my body felt and also the way I felt about my body made it clear it was high time to do something about it! So I did. And it worked. At least at the beginning... After a while I got a little complacent and I kept gaining and losing the same 5 kilos again and again, all the while blogging about it. A quick peek at my old blog reveals that after almost 2 years of weightloss struggle I didn't even manage to lose a measly 2 kg (4lbs)... (While browsing through my old blog, I also found my long forgotten recipe blog where I posted exactly one single recipe! Wow. That's how persistent I am.)

Why people kept reading my ramblings, I don't know. I certainly wasn't one of those success stories! But having my blog - a place where I could just dump all my thoughts and fears and hopes, gave me something. And then all those friendly people who didn't judge me for my failures but kept cheering me on and congratulated me on every oh so tiny success - they gave me something more. They gave me inspiration and motivation to keep on going! There have been many moments when I was close to throwing in the towel, but I never really gave up because of the support and encouragement I got from my blog friends.

Nonetheless, even though I was officially trying to lose weight the pounds kept piling on again and when I stopped blogging shortly after my wedding in September 2007, I weighed a whopping 83 kg (183lbs) - even more than when I first started! At that time, my feelings ranged from deliriously happy about the wedding and the long honeymoon that lay before us to absolutely miserable when it came to my weight. Not only my body but also my self-esteem were in a sorry state!

You'll see for yourself when you look at these "before" pictures that were taken shortly before we left on our year-long honeymoon...

Being caught unawares is the worst... no chance to suck in the tummy or strike a more flattering pose!

This is me at my sister's wedding... All cheeks and chins! Thank God I was in charge of taking the pictures, so I'm not in too many of them!

And here's me on the morning after my own wedding... Obviously very very happy but (also obvious) very fat too. Actually it's not even that obvious since my arm kind of hides all the belly fat rolls... :)

But then everything changed. We left on our honeymoon and while I was travelling, things just kind of started to fall into place. Slowly but surely the pounds started to drop, even though I didn't actively try to lose weight! Sure, all that walking around in cities, hiking, backpacking and kayaking helped a lot, as did not having a fridge within reaching distance... (You automatically eat a lot less when you're far from civilisation at the back of beyond somewhere and have to carry all the food in your backpack!) And I'll admit that travelling in South America is also kind of conducive to weight loss... Catching a stomach bug every now and then sure melts the fat away! Being sick in a foreign country is not a nice experience at all (not that it is back home either...), but whenever I had a very close relationship to the local toilet bowl at least I could take comfort in the fact that it helped me lose some more weight... :)

Here's some visual proof of what was going on weight wise... These are pictures of myself I actually like!

May 2008: Happy excitement on the scale near Quito, Equador! Did you know that everyone is a few pounds lighter on the Equator because the gravity is less strong? I weighed in at 69 kg (152 lbs) - definitely a lot ligher than a few months before, even without the gravital advantage...

September 2008: Paraguay. Gone are the doublechins!

September 2008: Cataratas de Iguazú, Argentina, with my husband his mother who came to visit us. I'm not shying away from the camera anymore! And I'm not cringing upon seeing the pictures either... :)

October 2008: At a football game in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I'm amazed that while I still have a roundish face my cheeks and chins are not its most prominent features anymore...

So by the time our travels had to come to an end because we ran out of money, I had lost approximately 20 kg (44lbs) and felt absolutely great! Before we flew back to Europe I went shopping for new clothes and was ecstatic: suddenly I could just slip into any of those normal sized jeans or tops and they fit! And they even looked good! But the best thing of all was that I finally liked what I saw in the mirror. I finally liked myself! (Yes, I know I should like myself at any weight - but that's so hard. For me (like so many others I guess), being overweight comes with a lot of self-loathing and a lack of self-esteem...) But the good news is it actually changed when my body changed. I felt confident. I felt strong. I felt invincible. And of course I was determined to not let anything get in the way of my newfound attitude towards life. Never again would I let the scale dictate my mood and my level of happiness. Never again would I hide and feel inferior to someone because of my weight. Ha, these times were gone!

I'll never quite forget the faces of our family members and friends who came to the airport to pick us up... Some of their mouthes literally fell open when they saw us! This continued to happen whenever I saw people I hadn't seen for a year. While some would just steal furtive glances at my new body, not quite believing what they saw, others would compliment me and gush over how good I looked now. I wasn't used to all that attention and even though the compliments were nice and gave me some sense of pride, they also made me a bit embarrassed about my former self. If people thought I look good now, surely they must have found me disgustingly fat and ugly before, right? And then I got the (well-meant, I'm sure) questions and comments like "You are going to stay like that, right? You really have to try now!" or "Now don't go and gain all the weight back, ok?"

I mean, what were they thinking? That I actually wanted to be as fat as I was before? That I planned on gaining everything back?! Admittedly, at some point it DID cross my mind that there's a pretty high percentage of people who lose a lot of weight and then go and gain it all back (and then some), and I also remembered other bloggers mentioning maintenance being pretty hard too... I just didn't think this would be the case for me. After all, I still felt strong and invincible. Does that make me a smug ignorant? Maybe. But i beg to differ. I think I was more of a naïve silly thing who was hoping against hope that somehow, miraculously, it would be different for me. I lost all this weight without even thinking about it, so I figured if I just kept on not thinking about it, not obsessing over points and calories and all that, things would work out just fine.

When I first stepped on our brandnew scale in our brandnew flat, I weighed in at 63 kg (139lbs), merely 2 kg (4lbs) away from a healthy BMI. Yay! Life got pretty stressful right away, considering we had to move all our stuff into our new flat and starting a new job all within the first weekend of being home! So a little gain was to be expected and pretty normal I thought, and I wasn't overly concerned at first when the numbers on the scale started to rise. I still thought I had everything under control and didn't realise it was slowly starting to slip away... I'm sure you can already guess where this story is heading... and yes you're right. Slowly but surely my weight steadily crept back on. I hated the fact that some people expected me to fail but what I hate even more is that it turned out they were right... I proved them right. How could I let this happen?

Today, I weighed in at 74.3 kg (163.8lbs). That means I gained half of what I lost back within only 5 months! Gone is the self-confidence and the feeling of strength. My new clothes don't fit anymore. I'm back to self-conciously tugging at my shirt and hiding in the background. My face is getting rounder by the day and the doublechins are almost back. So are the belly fat rolls. Ugh! Sure, theoretically I'm still far from square one. But I have no intention of going back there! And if I keep on doing what I've been doing for the last five months, that's exactly where I'm heading. So I decided that I'm going to fight tooth and nail to get THAT girl back:

Just before Christmas 2008: Me running my first race ever! It was just a fun race of 4.4K, but I felt such a great sense of accomplishment afterwards.

I chose this picture for a reason. For me, this is not just about some arbitrary number on the scale anymore. Sure it would be nice to see those elusive 55 kg (121lbs) that I once set as my personal goal weight, but the world doesn't end if I'll never see that number... And it isn't just about looks either, even though I'll be the first to admit that being able to like what you see in the mirror is SO rewarding! More importantly, this is about being healthy. It's great to live in a healthy body that can do things easily! It's great to be able to run and push yourself to new limits and even enjoying yourself while you're at it! And last but not least it's about my feelings too. I want to feel the way I felt again! I want to have that sense of accomplishment and self-confidence again! I'm not in that place right now. But I was there not that long ago and my body and my mind still remember that feeling of unbounded possibility. I want to be THAT girl again!

So even though I don't want weightloss to take centre stage of my whole life anymore, I know I need to put at least some focus on it to become the person I want to be. I'm trying not to obsess over numbers and points as I might have done before at times, but take a more relaxed and more intuitive approach towards living and eating healthily. After all, it has worked while I was travelling. Now I just need to learn and listen to my inner voice even when the noise and stress of daily life are threatening to drown it out completely... Obviously, I'm not talking about the voice that's telling me to go look what's in the fridge here, but the one that's telling me what my body REALLY needs! At times the difference between the two is hard to tell, but life's a learning curve, right?

weighty matters

2009-04-06T12:50:00.003Z

So when I was talking about a new life and dreams and changes in my last post, of course I wasn't only talking about life in general but about my weight too. Especially when I wrote "I feel myself beginning to lose myself in my old ways and I don't want this to happen."

You see, that's still the kind of person I am - worrying about the scales and my weight and how my clothes fit and whether I'm the fattest person in a room and all that... I wish it was different. And you know, at some point during my absence I really thought that it was! But apparently I haven't changed as much as I thought I did and am still riddled with the same issues and insecurities... Gosh darnit!

So guess what? I'm back at square one.

new life?

2009-03-31T18:57:00.007Z

So now that I've declared that I'm back: Where do I start? I've been gone for more than a year and it's probably a bit silly to think that I could maybe fit all those months within a blog post or two... Quite impossible. But I'm going to try it anyway... at least a (very) short version of it! :)

After I put my wedding pictures up in September 2007, I basically quit my blog. This wasn't because my general laziness finally caught up with my blog habits - it was simply because life got so busy that I didn't have the time. After the wedding craziness we gave up our flat, moved all our possessions into my parent's attic, packed our backpacks and went off on a year-long honeymoon. And what a great year it was! We started off in the US where I got to meet the wonderful Jeni and lovely Lynne, then spent the winter kayaking in sunny Baja California and finally flew on to South America, where we explored Equador, Peru, Bolivia, Paraguay and a tiny bit of vast Argentina... What an experience! We hiked and trekked, we went sea kayaking and horse riding, we took a Spanish class, we read tons of books, we drank margaritas and pisco sours and sampled all the interesting (and for the most part delicious) local food, we ended up in the hospital, we met many wonderful people and made new friends and we did so much more that it's impossible to tell you everything at once! But it was very enriching and liberating in so many ways!

It might sound very cliché, but travelling really gives you a new perspective on life. Suddenly you have all this time to think and breathe and just be. I always find that I get to know so much about myself and things just become clearer somehow. It's kind of hard to explain, but whenever I travel for an extended period of time I come back with a clear view of how I want my life to be.

So when we got back in October 2008, we were full of great plans and good intentions. Even though we were sad that our vagabond life had come to an end, we were also looking forward to having a home again (with our own comfortable bed and running hot water, yay!) and of course we were happy to see our families and friends again... It also felt as if we were about to start a new life with a clean slate. However, the novelty of us being back wore off pretty soon. While we were gone, living life at a very different pace, everyone else just continued living the hectic life that is so much part of our culture that most people never stop to think about it. So after a few days everyone expected us to fall back into the daily routine and get on with our lives as if we'd never been away. And it's so easy, you know... Falling back into your old roles and your old habits is like slipping into an old, comfy pair of loafers. They feel familiar for both body and mind and even though they might not be what you want anymore, they just fit effortlessly. Keeping dreams and hopes alive however, is hard work. Sometimes, you could even call it a struggle. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm slipping already... I feel myself beginning to lose myself in my old ways and I don't want this to happen. I want to keep my dreames and hopes alive and I want to actually live them.

Welcome to my new life! :)

this is not goodbye

2009-03-24T13:06:00.004Z

Hi there! It's me. Again. After all this time. Who would have thought?

For a while, I really fought the urge to delete this blog and just be done with it . The only reason I didn't do it was that I wanted to say Goodbye properly. I always wondered about people who just abandon their blog and disappear as if they've fallen off the earth. You get to know all these wonderful fellow bloggers and for me, it just doesn't seem fair to just leave without saying Thank You and Goodbye... After all the good advice and moral support I experienced through my blog, a kind word at the end of it all seemed like the least thing I could do!

Ha! So much for my good intentions... I guess sometimes life just gets in the way and things happen differently from how we plan them. Oh well.

Right now, I'm just happy my blog's still here. You see, I've decided it's not yet time for me to say Goodbye! Quite the opposite in fact: It's time to dust off those cobwebs that have gathered in the corners, let some fresh air in and spruce up the whole place a bit... I'm here again and I plan on staying for a while!